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Two plans for things to write about:
A contemplation on being remote due to digital accesibility. Remote is key in that it describes the kind of nature needed to distance oneself from human relationships that are temporary and ethereal (describing people who are so without ties they can be across the world within a day of wanting to leave where they’re currently in), and in the style of work that’s possible now.
When there emerges a caste of people who can, at the snap of their fingers, live and work halfway across the world, loyalties and relationships become brittle outside of that caste. The only people I’ve been able to feel admiration or a crush for are members of this ethereal group, which then creates a feeling of being more closed off the rest of the world.
reflections
I shut down in times of emergency or unexpected circumstances. Take for example when a sudden taxi protest stopped my bus along it’s route from Barranquilla to Santa Marta and a horde of motortaxis claiming to take you to where you want to go show up with id badges strapped to their triceps. I took too long to figure out if they were legitimately doing what they would say they’d do.
human relations
I’m just realizing as a man, it’s very rare to be desired. I can count on my hand the number of times I’ve had a woman see me, go up to me, put herself out there for me. It’s overwhelmingly been me initiating anything, especially through apps and cutting through the mountain of other men available. It’s tiring, and even the likelihood of rejection deters even attempts at approaching, whether online or in real life, to the point of it being disrespectful to myself to constantly be put in a place of rejection. Is that just cowardice, or a rational thought? What’s the ideal reward? A relationship? A night or two of fun before drifting away? At this point in life the rewards are too meager.
I feel that most people aren’t worth having a committed relationship with. The only kinds of people I like being around are constantly pushing and forever seeking. Someone being born naturally attractive who’s never had to commit effort to learn and grow hasn’t been through enough and likely wants to sit still and let their beauty wither.
So what are the possiblities of romantic relationships for me now? Either I continue the cycle of leading women on to the possibility of having a relationship in order to continue to sleep with them, which always result in loss, heartbreak, guilt, or somehow I develop this magical no-feelings situationship with someone, which also seems unlikely.
In a larger context there’s an issue here where the average modern male no longer feels desired or needed. With most women receiving the perception of constantly being in high demand by potentially better matches coupled with that natural desire to chase the extrodinary, normal men are left in the dust.
My heart goes out to all the men suffering under the weight of needing to become extrodinary, and getting completely overlooked in the process. Even the ones who’ve made it to the top have felt forced to play the only game that’s been working.
It feels like there’s a possibility here to create a new game, one in which involves understanding and seeing each other deeply, which I see being done at the local scale through events like blindfolded speed dating. But how would a Tinder for personality work? How can you take a photo of being kind? And not only that, how can you incentivize people to choose that over material attributes like wealth, and physical beauty? Seems impossible.
So what happens to all the people at the bottom that become losers of the material attribute game? The ones that feel powerless at playing the desire game, the ones that end up lashing out at either themselves or others in order to finally gain a place of power over others who they believe have harmed them. No wonder why the profile of most American shooters seem to be lonely men. Denying access to guns is just a bandaid over the pandemic of powerlessness felt by so many.